I spent the last two weeks not being a volunteer. I was amazed how quickly I switched worlds. The first week I visited Daphne in Peru. We traveled. We fell in love. The second week I spent in the States visiting friends and family. It was a wonderful time. On the last day, I started to unravel. I've spent the last day trying to switch back, trying to be a volunteer again.
I think there's been a lot I never processed, thoughts lying beneath the surface. Thoughts of loneliness, thoughts of longing, thoughts of how hard my time here has been. I've thought about all these things before, but my time away unearthed clarity and depth I'd never fully realized. In some ways it's like what my time in Panama has done for my thoughts about home, but in reverse. I never fully understood how hard it is here because I never fully understood how easy it is back at home. And it's not the ten types of peanut butter in the supermarket or zipping around in a car. It's just being, being in a culture that you understand, that understands you. It's like there's been a constant white noise in the background during my time in Panama. I never really noticed it humming until I left. And when it was gone, I never realized how distracting it had been.
So what is the hum? I think some of it may be guilt. Guilt that I will pack up and leave some day, that I'm not really living at the same level, that my life is more about paying the premium for organic food and going to concerts than it is about eating rice and beans and pretending to be poor. At the end of the day, I'm different. In some ways I feel like the community knew this all along, that they were wise to all of this and I've been the one too caught up in pretending to just be me and just share me.
The hum is this idea of disillusionment. Development work is hard. After ten months is site, I can't say I have a lot to show for it. It's been hard to hear friends say how proud they are or how I'm doing such great work saving the world and such. There's been a lot of projects that started but fell through because there was no counterpart to take the reigns. While I've grown considerably, I can't say that I've given a lot back to the community. And what little I have given is to a community that doesn't have a word for "thank you" in their native language.
The hum is a lack of stimulation. I have my books and my thoughts, but most of my interactions are with kids or adults asking for me to buy them something. Spending two weeks talking about life, about projects underway, about music, about food, all came so natural. In looking at my time here, it's extremely fulfilling in many ways, but I never felt so complete as I did being away.
So all those thoughts fluttering in my head made for an interesting plane ride back to Panama. It wouldn't be healthy to live in these thoughts day in day out for the next year. It also wouldn't be healthy to suppress it all. So the last day has been processing, determining what the rest of my service will mean. How do I take my growth over the last year and use it make a meaningful impact in my remaining time here? How do I find the inner resolve to not only overcome my disillusionment but become a motivational force in the community? How do I take the knowledge of the community and culture acquired over the last year and implement positive change? This is what my service is about. I'll chalk up the first chapter to personal growth and building the fortitude to making the second year a success. Now I roll up my sleeves and put on my volunteer cap.
