Add to the list your increasing insecurity about your own effectiveness, your value to the community, or even if you should be there in the first place and you've got yourself a fun mental journey. Let's review the last year:
| English Classes for Community | FAILED, interest lost after six classes |
| English Classes on Individual Level | PARTIAL SUCCESS, students left to pick coffee in Costa Rica |
| Health Promoter in Community | FAILED, interest lost after two meetings |
| Math Classes for Tienda Owners | FAILED, lack of interest |
| Health Charlas on Using Soap | FAILED, would rather spend money on other things |
| Health Charlas on Disease Transmission | IN PROGRESS |
| Reforestation of Creollo | FAILED, can't get seeds from agencies |
| Building a Sidewalk | FAILED, would rather go through local government (which I support) |
| Gardening | IN PROGRESS |
| Trash Cleanup | FAILED, "will only do it if I get paid" |
| Water Committee Work in Odabate | FAILED, no interest after two meetings |
| Water Committee Work in Notente | FAILED, no interest after three meetings |
| Water Committee Work in Altomono | FAILED, "will only work if I get paid" |
| Earthen Stoves Program | FAILED, children destroyed all stove prototypes by using them as target practice |
Not exactly a pillar of motivation. Their lack of motivation became a millstone around my neck. After awhile I think I gave up on failing. I was going through the motions, doing volunteer work, but my heart wasn't really in it.
Then I hit my one-year mark and a whole set of neurosis that I had been sowing and watering over the past year came into bloom. What if I don't accomplish anything while I'm here? I thought the community liked me, but wouldn't I get more traction if that was the case? Do all they want is my stuff? Am I not trying hard enough? What could I be doing differently to be a better volunteer? Am I a bad volunteer? All my friends back home are doing exciting, important work that's really having an impact. I'm suffering and for what?
...
So yeah, I would say that's "fairly dark". Then I went back into site... and stayed there for over a month. The first couple of days were rough, treading water in a sea of doubt. Then, coincidentally, on the eve of my one-year anniversary, I took a deep breath and just... let... go. Be here now. And slowly but surely I turned the corner.
Over the past month, I've regained the wind in my sails. I got my second wind. I have the wind to my back. OK, I'm making light of a liminal moment in my service. But in all seriousness, it has been a sea change.
I'm getting traction on water committee work in three other communities, including successfully collecting dues in Solaite. Calante's water committee initiated their first work day without my prodding. In addition, we now have enough money in the coffer to justify opening up a bank account in Chiriqui Grande.
I had a great meeting with the community to discuss the status of the latrine funding (which is fully funded. Big thanks to everyone) and to discuss other project ideas. They are extremely excited about computer literacy classes I'll be starting in December as well as a world map mural on the wall of the school.
In my free time, I've learned how to make a chacara (woven bags that are indicative of Ngabe culture), earning campo cred from the ladies. I helped haul creollo (dense hardwood) in a junta, earning campo cred from the men. I finally solved some nagging pressure issues on the Calante aqueduct and taught four kids about their aqueduct in the process.
My muchacho English students called from Costa Rica to wish me well and share how things were going. We had half the conversation in English.
And, maybe most importantly, I've had a lot of really great conversations with community members, conversations that have transcended asking for regalos and have led to hopes and dreams, family, and the things we share in the human experience.
And I have seen a shift in them, a new comfort and ease around me, maybe even signs of respect. I may not speak much Ngabere, but a smile is pretty universal and that's enough for me to feel good about this next chapter in my service.
