This last year and change has been a struggle to say the least. I knowingly sacrificed a lot just to get to the gate of the Panamanian airport- a good job, an awesome place in the city, friends, family, Daphne. After training, I arrived at my site where I sacrificed a little more- creature comforts, good food, my health, newly acquired volunteer friends, communication with the outside world. And in the last year of work, I've sacrificed yet more- emotional fortitude, stability, confidence in how I viewed myself and the world.
I arrived knowing this wasn't a venture of compromise. I poured my all into my work and more importantly, into the community. I tried to persevere in the doldrums of personal reflection and anguish. For sacrificing my emotional needs, I was met with confusion, frustration, sadness, and a dash of embitterment. I felt guilt for where I came from, why I was here, or for any time spent out of site.
In some ways, it was like being in an abusive relationship. I was caught up in the mystique of my dark-skinned lover, defending Ngabes, trying to explain away my setbacks with cultural differences and language barriers. My romantic notions of the people clouded the emotional toll my time here was taking. I think it took my recent trip to the US to finally see that.
The emotional toll had been a theme rolling around in my mind, manifesting itself in the occasional journal entry or volunteer conversation. But the ultimate truth is that I was sacrificing my happiness and the void was tenuously being replaced by insecurities.
Going to the US afforded a point of reflection of my time in Panama. I saw that I was caught in a cycle where I would struggle with the idea of failure, find a seed of motivation and persevere, only to eventually find myself at the same crossroad, more bewildered than ever. I've come to realize that at some point you have to throw up your hands and accept that you can only do what you can do. This is not a reflection upon myself. I've befriended failure and made peace with what I'm going to accomplish in Panama.
I'm still helping Jon complete the aqueduct for his community. I'm starting to make concrete blocks in preparation for the composting latrines in Calante. I'm still the after-school program for the kids in the area. But I'm also going to do what I need to do to be whole. If the community would rather ask for photos than learn how to improve the health of the children, I can't take that personally. If the majority of my daily conversations concerning when I'm leaving are about getting my stuff rather than being saddened by my departure, I should be able to enjoy a few guilt-free days out of site.
Moving forward, I'm going to be a little more aware of my emotional needs. Shedding the guilt surrounding selfishness is much more liberating than past explorations for motivation because there's a permanence to this idea that was lacking before. I think the trip to the US was good timing, holidays aside. I'm sure my Id will thank me later.
Author's Note: I realize that my blog is tracking towards being a complete killjoy. My homework is to write the good along with the difficult. I think I struggle with striking a balance in capturing this whole experience. Turns out it's a lot easier to write about the difficult aspects of service. Peace Corps is harder than anything I've ever done, ever. But overall I'm happy and healthy. I will think back on my service as a collection of extremely rewarding experiences and adventures.
