Who Was I Then?

During training (more than a year ago), one of the volunteers in my group had a brilliant idea to answer a few simple questions, a time capsule of who we were before service.  As a year in site approaches, I thought opening the capsule to take a peek would be apropos.  All in all, I feel like I'm getting what I bargained for in the personal growth department.  I also feel like I'm tracking towards the idea of who I would be when all was said and done.  Here is what I wrote over a year ago.

Who Was I Then?

I used to be...
A manager with a high-paying job and power. People respected me for my knowledge.  I used to be uncomfortable in new settings and somewhat uncomfortable with myself.  I was introverted.  I used to be concerned with how people saw me instead of channeling that energy into projects to improve myself and the lives of those around me.  I lived life for the future.

I gave up...
A great relationship with a girl I loved.

I regret...
Not spending enough time with my sick grandmother.

I am afraid...
Of not being successful.  Success for me is measured by making a lasting impression on the community and being fluent in Spanish.  I am also afraid of all that I'm going to miss back at home.

I hope...
That I end up getting back together with Daphne. I hope that I conquer my fears: Spanish, success in the community, living in the moment.

I expect...
To be comfortable in my own skin.  I expect to make a difference.  I expect to be a better person.

My First Week in Site

In recognizing the halfway point of service, I've turned to my former self to see where I was and how I've changed.  In thumbing through old journal entries, it's obvious that I won't be the same person when I return.  I'll be a little more jaded, a little less naive, and yet a lot happier and whole. It's true that there has been disillusionment about my time here.  It's true that I see the world differently.  But there's still a fire that burns and I feel like I'm learning the true context for setting that energy into motion.

Instead of devolving into a diatribe about humanity, I'll cut to a journal entry about my first day in site.  While I would say it's unhealthy to dwell in the past, don't discount looking in the mirror as a means for personal growth.

10-22-09  The First Day
I'm sitting on the porch of my counterpart's house trying not to freak out about my situation.  Part of me is wondering what I got myself into.  Two years of this is a long time.  I'm leaving a lot back at home.  All these thoughts came crashing as I walked from Kwite to Calante last night.  I was tired and it was sad saying goodbye to the other volunteers.  Training had felt like a vacation and I had made great friends.  Now the experience has shifted to something individual and a lot more solitary.  I can't communicate very well with the community.  I know I need to put myself out there and meet people but I just want to sit and read as a coping mechanism.  It's all so clear in my mind and yet I'm paralyzed.  I'm going to sacrifice today.  If I feel this way tomorrow, I'm going to choke it up and just get out there.

Thursday is my reunion.  We'll be discussing why I'm here again along with my housing situation.  I can't get a clear answer on how much a house will cost, and I don't want it to spiral out of control where people think they can take advantage of me.  We'll see...

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OK, so my first day in site was pretty dark.  Real, but dark.  Take solace in the fact that I CAN communicate with my community.  My housing IS great.  I ENJOY being a volunteer.  Things ARE good.

In my application for the Peace Corps, I listed a reason for joining as wanting the challenge because I knew through struggle comes growth.  A year later, I'm giving my former self a high five.  It's true.  We grow from those moments where we are pushed the most. That liminal moment is the genesis of change.

Insert Some Witty Title for More Site Photos Here

A description of photos in no particular order...

• Bugs of the large variety
• Beautiful surroundings
• Ngabe life
• Obligatory reading of War and Peace
• Kwite aqueduct water crossing construction
• Cute kids in Kwite
• Water committee training in Solaite, an hour upriver from Calante
• Make sure you get to Punta Peña to get your pet dog, cat, or MONKEY vaccinated

Meditations on Rain

Help Support the People of Calante!

Background

I'm working on a composting latrine project in my community.  My community (and all other communities in region) use rivers and streams as their waste disposal system.  Obviously this creates health issues for those using water downriver.

After numerous community meetings, we've decided to move forward with the first phase of latrines in Calante.  This first phase is with a few families that have shown the most interest.  We're going to build seven composting latrines, which are structures built above ground so we don't have to worry about that pesky water table out here.  I've got some photos of one that I built a few months ago here.  The latrines are dry too, which means fewer bugs and fewer odors.  

It's a big cultural leap, but I feel good about these initial families being the early adopters that can teach others.  And as more families try to keep up with the Jones', more and more latrines can be built in the region.  That's the vision and you can help.

How to Help

You can help me on this project!  Donations are tax deductible.  I'll start construction the beginning of next year when weather is better and will be posting photos of progress on the blog.  I can also send personal emails or letters if you'd like.

Donate Here!

Site Photos...

A few photos from site.

• Teaching water committees to manage funds whilst not wearing a shirt
• Soccer games in Calante
• Crowning of the queen among nearby communities (academic and talent competition put on by teachers in each community, worthy of a blog post at some point)
• Government shipment of food for school children
• A ray caught in the bay where the river spills out
• Maiden voyage of a new dugout canoe in Kwite
• Pifa (pixbae) being taken to Chiriqui Grande to sell (we're told it was a couple hundred bucks worth.  If you have ever tried pifa, you would find this shocking)
• The school in a nearby village
• Random photos of the folks in Calante