In recognizing the halfway point of service, I've turned to my former self to see where I was and how I've changed. In thumbing through old journal entries, it's obvious that I won't be the same person when I return. I'll be a little more jaded, a little less naive, and yet a lot happier and whole. It's true that there has been disillusionment about my time here. It's true that I see the world differently. But there's still a fire that burns and I feel like I'm learning the true context for setting that energy into motion.
Instead of devolving into a diatribe about humanity, I'll cut to a journal entry about my first day in site. While I would say it's unhealthy to dwell in the past, don't discount looking in the mirror as a means for personal growth.
10-22-09 The First Day
I'm sitting on the porch of my counterpart's house trying not to freak out about my situation. Part of me is wondering what I got myself into. Two years of this is a long time. I'm leaving a lot back at home. All these thoughts came crashing as I walked from Kwite to Calante last night. I was tired and it was sad saying goodbye to the other volunteers. Training had felt like a vacation and I had made great friends. Now the experience has shifted to something individual and a lot more solitary. I can't communicate very well with the community. I know I need to put myself out there and meet people but I just want to sit and read as a coping mechanism. It's all so clear in my mind and yet I'm paralyzed. I'm going to sacrifice today. If I feel this way tomorrow, I'm going to choke it up and just get out there.
Thursday is my reunion. We'll be discussing why I'm here again along with my housing situation. I can't get a clear answer on how much a house will cost, and I don't want it to spiral out of control where people think they can take advantage of me. We'll see...
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OK, so my first day in site was pretty dark. Real, but dark. Take solace in the fact that I CAN communicate with my community. My housing IS great. I ENJOY being a volunteer. Things ARE good.
In my application for the Peace Corps, I listed a reason for joining as wanting the challenge because I knew through struggle comes growth. A year later, I'm giving my former self a high five. It's true. We grow from those moments where we are pushed the most. That liminal moment is the genesis of change.
